This is the personal blog of Amy Levandoski. All her opinions and personal thoughts of things such as in the gaming industry, politics, and much more are placed in here.
I sit in silence throughout last night and today. It feels like a little void in not just the role play community but the virtueverse itself. It doesn't feel like it would happen. Good men shouldn't have to be taken so soon and way before their prime. Paragon City lost its most dedicated protector today... and this whole paragraph might not make sense to anyone here. So I'll start from the beginning.
Tre Chipman, also known as Ascendant, had passed away. He was a huge player on the City of Heroes scene and inspired hundreds of players on the virtue server. His role play and story telling inspired plenty and I'm convinced he was responsible of many others making heroes or villains just because of his character. I know that he, along with Xanatos and Karnal Sin, they inspired me when I was in the game as Luficia.
I am, or used to, play City of Heroes. It was the game that lit my love for comic books and super heroes ablaze and shown me just how much I love the genre. I remember how I won a 20 dollar gift card for Best Buy and went to get the MMO all the way back in 2004. The idea of creating a super hero seemed like fun and I wanted to see everything. It was the perfect game as I was readying for college. I played for a while on the Guardian server but then I transferred over to Virtue because I had heard of a growing role playing community.
I'll never regret that decision. I'll remember when I ran into Ascendant for the very first time. I was with my boyfriend at the time and we were flying to one of the train stations... and right at that phone booth? There was Ascendant, just role playing out the phone call to Saul. I was on voice chat with him at the time and reading it had us laughing out loud. I laughed so hard, I was in tears. I complimented him and he was just someone you don't forget. He was always around and I really enjoyed role playing with him as Luficia.
He was just as kind of a man as he was the character. He always spoke of optimism no matter what seemed to be going wrong. Tre carried as much hope in life as his character did too. He was also a lot of fun on his villain, Doctor Crom, too. I'll never forget when he hired one villain(whom I call Malechavas these days on Skype) to beat Luficia down and taken Seiken from her. He wanted to study him and Luficia was mortified. Life got in the way and I had to leave the game unexpectedly and without notice. For a whole year, Doctor Crom, Malechavas and Fearghas(before he became the developer Doctor Aeon) brought him to life without me and had him on adventures for a whole year.
One of the last role plays I had with him as Luficia, he gave my character a single bullet to kill him. Should the one side of his character ever go awry, she could take the shot. It would have tried to snuff out hope from Ascendant, no matter what. I have the actual quote from his character's speech and it speaks just as much about his character as it does about Tre too.
"These are the places that forge us into better people. These are the trials that temper better spirits. Besides, we stand as a precipice of both opportunity and challenge, and we are duty bound--not just to ourselves, but to the public--to meet both. This is the time and place we earn the mantle of hero, rather than have it bestowed upon us. This is when we show that this is not a city of people content to live in fear and hate, but instead prove, once and for all, that this is a City of Heroes!"
It was a promise Luficia would have done so. Even if she would have been mortified to take the life of one of the very people she admired and aspired to be, she would've done it. One more line of his that stands out even more now then ever.
"Because I look at you and I have hope."
That was not just Ascendant but Tre Chipman as well. He was a man who held hope to a higher standard and he never gave up. He stood for City of Heroes and he always spoke about being a hero beyond the game. His act of charity on his character's behalf speaks out for the kind of character he really was. He truly was a hero, both in Paragon City and outside of it.
Xanatos, Ascendant, and Luficia. I always pictured the trio in an epic shot as Xanatos and Ascendant were her very idols. She wanted to stand up and continue their values and fight for her city as much as they did. Now, it just feels like a void. Rest in peace, Tre, and know that somewhere, out there, you did inspire me and not just through the game we played on. I know Xanatos and Sorah spoke on their pages with a promise to tell his one last story. May they bring you the honor you deserve. You've been taken way too soon from us but your in a much better place.
Paragon City will live on, one way or another. Thank you for inspiring all of us.
I don't think I need to repeat too much about it. It was revealed in their own personal conference and their big center was Television, Sports, Television, Television, and Sports. It wasn't until after it ended did it confirm that you can't lend or play used games on it. The disc is rendered useless. It installs into your own unique hard drive and if you give it to a friend or if they buy it used, they will have to buy the manufacturer price before they can play it.
If your unsure what this means, then here are a few videos that say it a lot better then I would.
The general anger isn't from the having to be online once a day. It goes down to the fact that purchasing used games and even lending a game to your friend would be non-existant in next generation of consoles... or, in this case, on the XBox One. This is pretty huge since you have to always buy it. They will have a system of pre-owned games but on their own terms in a controlled enviroment where all the proceeds continue to go to the company. They will have the power to control when prices go down, etc.
So why does it bother me? I'm not a console user, I am a PC Gamer. Everything I run on goes through a computer. It has been my preference since its a little easier to upgrade the hardware. I have zero interest in XBox One, Playstation 4 and even the Wii U. Maybe hand held gaming devices but that is really it. Why would any of this have anything to do with me?
Its a window to the future. This is the gaming industry looking to see how far they can go to remove the rights of the consumer from under their feet. So long as they give the "good stuff," they can continue to take their rights away under the name of combating piracy. This shouldn't be allowed, at all. Any support to Microsoft(and EA) is only going to set the line and spread this kind of practice through the rest of the industry. Not just Microsoft but to EA as well.
EA removing the Online Passes? It was great and I had thought it was a silver lining... but with all the deals they've made exclusively for Microsoft, it does make sense now. Why they refuse to make any games for the Wii U, etc. All of it.
I know the gaming industry is in a rough spot. Combating piracy and the complications in making the very game we enjoy and love is not easy at all. For any idea of how it works, I recommend watching Extra Credits. You can find it on Penny Arcade TV or a search on youtube. It has all the details of the gaming industry, how it works and all the work that goes into making the game you enjoy. It should give some silver lining to you.
But do we really need to remove consumer rights just for that protection? What makes the gaming industry special from other companies? I don't see any cars getting any income from used sales when they are sold at a used sales lot. What about CDs that a friend bought and decided to give them away to their friend? They don't see the used sales coming out of that. What makes their industry so different that they need this money?
Maybe there is more to it but I'm just not seeing it. This is something that can and will extend to PC gaming and other platforms and if we don't stop it now with our wallet? Then it is only going to get worse from here. Vote with your wallet. DON'T buy their products if your seriously that angry about it. The lack of sales will surely bring their attention and money does, indeed, talk.
Speak with your money if your that upset about it. I've been hearing good things about the Playstation 4, so far!
Now before I fulfill this challenge, let me cover a few other things and why I'm doing this.
--
As a gamer, I have seen this before. The major argument in video games... do they cause violent behavior? What do we, as people, need to limit our exposure to the violent elements in media? It is everywhere. It isn't just in video games. It is in movies, television, music, books, and artwork. Being the 21st Century, we are in a time where our exposure to violence is at an all time high. In some ways, it is a form of entertainment.
So it didn't surprise me any that, upon turning on the show, Katie, I had seen the topic of violent video games being talked about. So many people have talked about it before and since she's new on the talk show scene, it was bound to come up sooner or later. With the tragedy of the Boston Marathon Massacre and the news not-so subtly putting out that one of the terrorists played video games, it became the big topic and some points were being made.
I hadn't seen the whole show but then I did a little search on the internet. These clips will fill you in on where the argument went.
It is only a clip and, to note, I am truly sorry for Mark Petric and the tragedy he suffered. I'm sorry about what his son had done... and I'm sorry Katie Couric is using his pain and suffering to further her own biased view.
Yes. I said that. It really gets me angry. His name, recounting the tale, making him cry and putting in big bold letters in that clip with "SAYS VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES TURNED SON INTO KILLER" feels like an insult. It isn't even the full clip. I tried to find the whole thing but Katie's own source only put up a snippet. How did it turn him into killer? Did he have a motivation to hurt his family other then video games? Was he suffering from any mental break downs, depression, mental illnesses, etc?
No. All the clip says is a huge title and telling the horrific tale of what happened that night with the 911 call thrown in. It doesn't give any context to what was related to video games and nothing at all. There isn't an extended interview on her youtube account and I'm not about to check her website for a full episode. If it's there, then it further proves my point. This is a poorly manipulated tactic to define evil in its purest false form.
It is edited on purpose that takes a poor man's tragedy and uses it for her own journalist goal to prove the evils of video games and that is so morally wrong, it boggles my mind. This man experienced the most horrifying thing in the world. His own child murdered his wife and ruined a whole family forever. I cannot express just how much my heart goes out to this man and everything he suffered since then. It just makes me sick to my stomach that Katie Couric, a woman whom I had respected throughout her career up until now, would stick to manipulative scare tactics to try to prove her own point.
It invalidates everything she's tried to do and makes her stand right up to Jack Thompson.
The rest of the special that I had seen is just different experts that speak out how terrible the video game community(I.E Developers) speak out and strike down under the "false ideas" of free speech and even possibility of research into violence being created by video games... that "it wasn't needed."
This is a lie and, again, Katie Couric let this guy talk and didn't ask questions to make sure this is correct.
I don't remember this ever being spoken out but I do remember what they did speak out against this one. FEPA, or the Family Entertainment Protection Act. It was a bill created back in November 29th, 2005. It was drafted to keep those games out of the hands of minors and huge fines to retailers that did not. This bill also tried to get the FTC to investigate the ESRB rating system. It was passed but it never made it to law with similar bills being considered unconstitutional.
Why?
Because, like books, movies and music, video games are also protected under the rights of free speech. Investigating with a neutral mind set, I looked up those who are against censorship. Yes. Censorship. Upon visiting the Video Games Voters Network, that fact came out extremely clear.
"Video games are fully protected speech under the Constitution, and receive the same First Amendment protection as books, movies, music and cable television programs. The Network opposes efforts to regulate the content of entertainment media, including proposals to criminalize the sale of certain games to minors, or regulate video games differently from movies, music, books, and other media. The Network also enables gamers to stay educated about issues, reach out to federal, state, and local officials, and register to vote." - Video Games Network About Page.
Who sponsors this website? ESA or Entertainment Software Association. They represent video game publishers. They have a huge say in the video game market. Sometimes, it stands out even more then developers since most developers(Until the rise of Kickstarter and Indie Games) need publishers to push their product out in the market. Back when SOPA was being represented into the market, many companies spoke out against SOPA. Who supported it though, other then the lobbyists and other political figures?
The ESA.
Yes. They supported the SOPA Bill and even expressed working with Congress and Senate. Even if SOPA was about piracy, it still shows their idea to support a middle ground and work on what was needed as stated in the Escapist.
""As an industry of innovators and creators, we understand the importance of both technological innovation and content protection, and do not believe the two are mutually exclusive. Rogue websites - those singularly devoted to profiting from their blatant illegal piracy - restrict demand for legitimate video game products and services, thereby costing jobs. Our industry needs effective remedies to address this specific problem, and we support the House and Senate proposals to achieve this objective. We are mindful of concerns raised about a negative impact on innovation. We look forward to working with the House and Senate, and all interested parties, to find the right balance and define useful remedies to combat willful wrongdoers that do not impede lawful product and business model innovation."
What Katie Couric also neglected to mention that ESA has been open to research on the possibility of violent video games and how it could react in people. There's a whole section on their website dedicated to the research with references and links to read up and look into it. There is not a single attempt, as her "expert" claimed on her show, of any video game company ever attempting to censor out any official research on the topic. In fact, the ESA promotes it.
It is ironic that Katie Couric and the "experts," claiming how they should censor it and scoff at the idea that parents shouldn't be fully 100% dependent in watching what their child plays and sacrifice their rights as a parent to ensure their children are protected. This isn't the NRA. Video games aren't guns. They aren't actively trying to prevent it as the NRA has been doing for years. Look it up. The NRA is still doing it to this very day.
With all of that out of way, you got to be wondering... So why do I speak out now?
I speak up because of her twitter image.
So, yes, Katie Couric. Challenge accepted. I have no idea if this is in response to what I wrote, with optimism, that you will cover the positive side of video games. This was before I saw this twitter and the snippets I missed from her show that led me to speak out now.
Yes, Katie Couric, there is positive contribution to video games. They bring families together. When I had a super nintendo and I curled up next to my mother, who played with me, she'd act out the dialogue and made the stories come alive just like when she'd read books to me before I'd go to bed. Those games, such as Final Fantasy 2 and 3(back in their SNES days) sparked imagination and questions of morality. They challenged me to write and gave me female heroine figures where, back in the 1990s, girls only had princesses and barbie dolls. No damsels in distress but strong women that didn't take things sitting down and overcame any obstacles that came their way.
It also taught me how terrible it is to commit any murder for any reason and evil in its purest, clownish form. A monster that became a god and took over the world... and even when he believed life was worth destroying because life held no meaning in a world where people would continue to destroy what they would build, a group of twelve destroyed that god with the belief life was worth saving and good still existed in the world. That was Final Fantasy 3 and later became to be known as Final Fantasy 6.
Even when a huge monster in the year 1999 that would awake underground and destroy all of humanity and the will power to do ultimate good despite the odds. That was Chrono Trigger. It taught me to never give up, no matter how bleak things looked. It is what led me to keep going and get the role of Peter Pan in freshman year of high school. The nerd got the role of Peter Pan... and I got a standing ovation at the very end.
Yes, I got depressed. Those fantasies is what helped me escape when the death of my father caught up, children were picking on me terribly and I pretended to slash up my classmates with a sword. You know what? My mother saw the signs. She didn't blame video games. She got me to a psychiatrist and diagnosed the true root of it all... Depression. I got the right treatment and even medicine to get me back up and get better to realize they were just fantasy. Reality and fantasy must always be separate but you can always learn lessons from the material and take it with you.
That isn't good enough for you? Here's more.
Two Video Game Nerds created an online comic strip called Penny Arcade. They both are now married and have their own children now. Seeing how children suffer without toys or entertainment when stuck in a hospital, they sought to change that. They formed Child's Play.
Every Christmas, they ask the kindness of video gamers over the internet to purchase and donate either a game, system or other type of toy. Even money. Every year, they break their records in donations and give thousands of sick children a wonderful holiday even when they can't be home to enjoy it with their families. Hundreds of gamers donate to this cause every year.
Even publishers and developers will donate to this cause.
I could list hundreds of thousands of sources and ways but we'd be here all day. So, Katie Couric, are video gamers and the people who created them still "evil?"
In truth, to call anything evil, is in terrible taste. Nothing is truely evil. People create the material and bring it out for people to play or use. It is the person that holds it in their hand is what turns it either good or evil. Its the same thing with a gun. Yes, it isn't the gun that kills. It is the person that wields it and uses it for "good and evil." And even then, the real world is filled with such a shade of gray that the lines are blurred on whats good and what is evil.
Don't get me wrong though. I want to see this get researched. We shouldn't condemn video games or the people that make them. We need to work together. To combat the potential violence and piracy, every gamer, parent, developer, publisher, government and more need to work together hand in hand to do what is right for our children and get them the care they need. We also need to make piracy on the internet harder. We need to research this and no one is against this. We hate censorship but that doesn't mean we don't acknowledge the problem. We know there's a problem and we want to research it and combat it in different ways.
These days. parents are gamers too and they care just as much about children as does everyone else. We shouldn't villainize them. We shouldn't instill utter fear and use victims. We should work together and until people like Katie stop bringing fear and start working together to find the answer, we're never going to get there.
That is why video games aren't evil. They never have been. They never will be. It is the people, like the one who shot at that man's family, that is the true culprit.
I don't know why I write this. I'm just a consumer and I don't want to attack EA or Peter Moore in any way. I know I had, long ago, wrote a hilarious satire break up letter to EA over when Origins was formed and was willing to not make another purchase under their logo.
Sadly, I became a fan of the Mass Effect series.
Mass Effect 3 was strictly Origins only and not on Steam. I had no other choice and I was willing to ignore that claim in much hope that I could write good things about EA and the games they publish. I used to love EA and I used to feel joy when I saw that logo and I really want to feel that way again.
I had to write this blog after Peter Moore made several points on his blog. He admitted EA had made several mistakes but there was a list he wrote on there. A link will be provided below to the source but I'll quote them from his blog if you do not wish to go there.
Below:
Many continue to claim the Always-On function in SimCity is a DRM scheme. It’s not. People still want to argue about it. We can’t be any clearer – it’s not. Period.
Some claim there’s no room for Origin as a competitor to Steam. 45 million registered users are proving that wrong.
Some people think that free-to-play games and micro-transactions are a pox on gaming. Tens of millions more are playing and loving those games.
We’ve seen mailing lists that direct people to vote for EA because they disagree with the choice of the cover athlete on Madden NFL. Yes, really…
In the past year, we have received thousands of emails and postcards protesting against EA for allowing players to create LGBT characters in our games. This week, we’re seeing posts on conservative web sites urging people to protest our LGBT policy by voting EA the Worst Company in America.
What is highlighted is what bothers me the most with his claim.
I have nothing to prove whether or not SimCity is a DRM scheme. I don't agree with the always online mechanics but that is what EA and Maxis chose to do. I believe in micro-transactions so long as it isn't pay to win with the free to play game since I do believe in giving people my hard earned cash if I wish to invest in their product. I remember the news reporting about the disagreement over who would appear on the EA's Madden NFL and I'm with them. Yes, that is silly. Very silly. If an athlete is good, he deserves to be on the box.
I am also for creating LGBT characters in games so long as it isn't thrown in people's faces and is done in good taste. I think the complaint from people is the fact it is not done in good taste and is done forcefully. Not everyone agrees with LGBTs. It is something a company will have to remember. If done with taste and not forced down their throat, the complaints wouldn't be so high.
... but that one claim that 'forty five million registered viewers say otherwise?'
You are a COO and I am just a currently unemployed woman who raises her nephew. I could never do your job but, as a consumer of your product, I'd like to know the full statistics of that number. How many of those 45 million people are legitimately using Origins as their service of choice and not because it is the only way they could be able to play their favorite game of choice?
I know I never wanted to use Origins. I was happy to purchase their product on Steam. I didn't want to install multiple services on my computer and wished to stick to one service... Steam. I had no choice but to install Origins because your company would not give me the choice otherwise.
I am not alone.
Even on their own forums, people have been crying out that they have no choice but to use Origins.
But we will clear the elephant in the room... I know Steam isn't perfect and some of the choices they've made wasn't very good. I know they had also changed their terms of service and forced companies to put their DLC as well as their product in the Steam store which was partially the reason why Origins was made in the first place.
I know some of their games are on Steam, as well... but not all of them are.
So if you want to end the debate now then please send out a full number of how many are legitimately using Origins as their server of choice and not forced to do so. I believe in competition. If Origins wants any ground to stand on, it needs to put all their products on all their services. Origins, Steam, and any other game sharing service out there. People deserve to choose where to purchase their product and what program they should feel comfortable in using. Nobody likes to be forced to use something just to play what they love.
If EA wants to really prove people wrong, they need to trust us... the consumer. If their product is selling more on Origins then it is on Steam and people are actually more happy to use it, then I can say that statement can be made with pride.
Now don't get me wrong... I am not attacking Peter Moore or the company of EA. I want to see some of their old tactics disappear and become the lovable gaming publisher I remember fondly as a kid. I want to see them make a come back and not be the pink elephant in the gaming room. We know EA is capable of doing better and we know it can perform great things.
... but you guys are still in my time out corner with the dunce hat. I never got the final battle I wanted against Harbinger in Mass Effect 3. And prove that one particular reaper wrong about humanity. I drew a frown face on that dunce hat too. I want my fight with Harbinger... and the same voice actor who voiced that cool voice of his. You bantha heads. :(
You know how you say, 'If you say it will go wrong, it will'?
... Yeah. It went about as well as you'd think.
I was attacked. I was lashed out. I was demoralized. I was insulted, made fun of, and my so-called "friends" that I looked up to and adored in my own right ripped those feelings to shreds. Jerry sent me private messages, declaring how "ashamed" he was of me and how I had to earn everything bad. That I had no right to speak up. That I was selfish. That I was a cruel and horrible person.
I was "emo."
I was the bitch.
This was my idol that said these things.
It also didn't help that the rants, that I said to keep the temper and the poison my anger could bring out of there... The trust I placed in some of my "friends" were broken and spread like wildfire. I felt destroyed.
I went to bed in tears and even busted a blood vessel in my eye from the stress... but the amount of fucks these people gave? Zero. Absolutely none. It all carried the weight of a single person. His word. The "victim."
Tom.
Now, mind you, it wasn't the entire group. There were two or three people who took a more level headed stance on the entire situation. They were really awesome and understood how I felt and I was trying to say. They were really wonderful and I can't thank them enough for what they did. Instead, they went and attacked them for "daring to stand up with me" and turned that poisonous hatred from me to them.
I was on the verge of quitting. I wanted to quit... yet part of me hoped that maybe, just maybe, those long friendships would... mean something. It'd go somewhere.
I was foolish. Even when we gathered in a meeting and almost talked things out... Even when I admitted some things I did wrong(and, dear god, I've apologized on their forums like three times now and it wasn't even enough for these people or Tom), it all fell apart when Tom declared he was going to leave the game because he couldn't handle accusations hanging over his head. He couldn't handle it with an emotional disease he fights with. He signed off and then panic ensued.
Jerry, in turn, reverted back to his hateful demeanor. Whatever friendship that ever existed all those years... They were gone. Just like that. It means absolutely nothing. He wasn't sorry. He didn't care. When I woke up that morning, I learnt he decided to throw me and someone else out of the group.
That was... it. Just like that. He didn't give two shits about whatever we did. It was all about Tom. Someone he met... our friendship meant nothing. That man crush was more important then a friendship where I would've defended Jerry or the others. Even when people insulted him or called him things, I stood up for Jerry. I said, "He isn't like that. He's a good man. They all are. Those rumors aren't true."
... It meant nothing.
In some ways, that hate still hurts. It has left me bitter and resentful. It took that game and destroyed it. I find it hard to play it long periods of time. Hell, I don't know if I can trust any of the group members anymore OR their friends. I've grown distant... except maybe two or three of them. Even then, whatever rants I have, I tend to mostly keep them to myself.
It sucks.
So I know your wondering by now.
"So how does that mean internet relationships don't work? How does it relate to your previous articles?"
Because it is the same damn thing. Masks. The internet gives you a mask, a persona... an identity. If you are heavily insecure in your life, you can shed it away and feel empowered. You can do things and meet people you never thought you ever would in your entire life. You could be the popular person you always wanted to be where, before, no one gave a shit about you and people made fun of you. You have the power to be something and that mask can either make you into something better or into something worse.
But here's something you people need to realize.
Yeah, You can hurt people without ever seeing the consequences of your actions. You could do anything. If someone crossed you or doesn't like you? You, with that ugly internet mask, can perform great revenge or carry grudges or do so many things without ever seeing the results. If that friend didn't stick up for you? Burn them. Write the most hateful shit and snicker at what you get back. Let the trolling begin. Let all that hate and filth spill forward. They crossed you, so what's the big deal?
Hell, you may get angry and your best friend got hurt or you may disagree with the way things are. You may lash out. I know it is so easy and so tempting to write those things out even to your best of friends.
But no matter how much you justify it, no matter what that person has done or whatever excuse you can come up with... that person behind the screen has feelings too. Maybe you might not value their feelings or friendships you find on the internet. Maybe you don't even view that person with the screen name as a person. Well, guess what? They ARE people and they have feelings. They can get angry and, when hurt, they can cry. They can shed tears and they can feel pain. That pain is justified as much as anyone else if they suffered something between best friends in real life.
Maybe friendships might not mean anything to you since its the internet... but it might mean something to somebody else. Maybe the little things they do are silly to you but are gold to somebody else.
Don't be an asshole.
Take off that mask.
Internet friends won't last forever. The same as friends you find and cross in jobs, etc... but true friends stay with you for life. They do exist. You might not find them via internet... but you'll find them, somewhere. Out there.
I know I didn't... but it did show me who my real friends were that day so maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. They are the ones I say Hi to when I see them in the game or on facebook. Hopefully they will stay for years to come.
It can bring out the best in people or it can bring out the worst in them. You can make millions from a simple idea or you could find yourself being trolled half to death by cruel people. It isn't the best place in the world but some of us make do. Some of us don't get out very often so our social lives happen to be through the games we play or the social media we use. It kind of sucks but that is the way the cookie crumbles.
But, much like internet relationships, friendships.... Well...
They suck. Hardcore. Very rare do you even find the true friend on there and when you do, its best to hold onto them tightly and NEVER let go.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
I know.
I went into ranting(two posts even!) about internet relationships and why romantic stuff doesn't work unless you are extremely committed to it and both sides can work it out. Even then, it might not because the people might fall in love with your internet persona then the person you really are.
The same can be applied to your friendships.
Once again... I speak from experience. AGAIN.
Why this reflects to Internet Relationships...? Before getting on to the main point, it is time for a story. Well, okay, I suppose I'll admit a few things too.
I am a Role Player. No, not the kind who sits naked with a box of tissues and has erotic orgies all night. I am the kind who will make a character ans give their creation a story. Personality. Flaws. Likes. Dislikes. I'll even pretend to be them for the sake of entertainment. This is a hobby that has extended out into my online gaming habits. This has also led me to make many "friends."
One of them was, for the sake of this article, we'll simply call Jerry. Since I was the wonderful fresh age of nineteen and out of high school, I met Jerry and his brother playing together with the coolest creation ever. They took advantage of the MMO's engine to make pretty awesome characters and I looked up to them like they were heroes! Well, one of them, anyway... They were my idols. They were awesome incarnate that could punch stars and call it a day!
I became great friends with Jerry. We reconnected on Facebook and remained friends for many years! It was one of those friendships I really treasured. One of those friendships I thought would out last the game itself and imagined how cool if Jerry and his wife came to visit and share all kind of stories... that is... until I came BACK into the game.
Remember how I mentioned about internet relationships that you never really truly know a person on the internet?
Well....
... in some cases, it can be applied to this case too.
I was invited back into the game and into this super awesome group that would be a group of friends that'd have awesome epic role playing adventures. I was very psyched about this. Being with this icon, and OTHER icons and friends of mine that I looked up to, in this group? I've always wanted something like this! This was a great "dream" come true! I was so into it!
So much, there was even a commissioned picture of it. I still carry the picture on my wall. Since its so awesome, it became the logo for the whole article. Why? Because it is that awesome. Thats why.
Its something I've always wanted. It felt like a testament to what I've always dreamt of in an internet friendship.
... It wasn't meant to be.
Paradise began to show its cracks and I wasn't the only one who saw it. One particular man, Tom, was the best friend to Jerry. I've never heard of Tom before but it didn't take long to see the extremely ugly side of this group when Tom was around. The once-was happy and equal group became a negative pile of negative puke who really made fun of others or complained to the point of whining about the game changes or just show how "elite" they were in their PvP(Player verses Player) combat.
While Jerry was my idol, Tom was definitely Jerry's. Tom was put on a pedestal I never saw anyone put on before... An even higher pedestal then I ever put Jerry on. When Tom was around, the stories centered about Tom and not many others really got much of a shot. It was Tom's world and Jerry was more then happy to be a part of it. Tom came to represent everything that I ever hated on the internet.
It also didn't help it made me feel... worthless to the group. Worthless. Pathetic. I felt I didn't amount to much. I was invited into their world and I had no... "place" in their world. No worth. Anything I said or did was always wrong and how Tom was always right. How Tom had a career in Las Vegas. How Tom carried sadistic grudges to people he hated. How Tom never forgave people.
How Tom was the best thing since slice bread.
Boy did I grow to hate as well as very intimidate and afraid of Tom.
I hated how Tom seemed to somehow turn the best of the group into its worst. I hated how when Tom came around, the group changed and it wasn't the group but it was Tom, Jerry, and another fella. It was a clique. It was petty, and I have no idea how many times I've ranted to several friends to avoid exploding on Tom needlessly... as well as afraid if I did lose my temper on this man, I'd face this supposed wrath he seemed to have.
He had that much "power" in the group. I loved the group. I wanted to be a part of it... even if I felt three people got the main course and the rest picked up scraps.
But, you know what? I also hate cliques. Always had and always will. I will be the first one to slap at people for doing it(especially if cliques HURT other people) and bring it to light. Maybe I won't always say it right but it gets its word across and things change. Friends would want to know about that and friends would fix that. Real friends would want to know about those feelings. Real friends would want to fix it so everyone would be happy and having fun together.
So! I felt it was a poison in the group and after one particular last straw, it was time to speak up and fix it. I mean, Jerry came through when the negativity poisoned the group before and maybe they'll understand. Maybe things will come through. Jerry and the others were my best friends. Speaking out should be alright around friends, right? I mean... We were a group of friends. Benefit of the doubt and all. Maybe speaking up will result in things being fixed.
You know, its funny about mistakes and learning to forgive your mistakes... as well as learning to forgive yourself.
I was raised by my mother after my father passed away when I was over five years old. My father, while he was around, had that aura of giving people a chance. Give the benefit of doubt and at least try to be friendly. He had this aura of bringing people together and happiness even when things were tough. He was a good man.
My mother had to struggle, claw and fight her way to earn her keep. She was ready to tear down a few men and woman if they crossed her the wrong way and was ready to fight if she truly believed in something. I was a meek little girl, afraid to fight and afraid to cause trouble since the fighting always scared me. I mean, I witnessed my sister's marriage go down the tube and get in the middle of a sibling squabble between her two daughters. It wasn't pretty.
Seriously. I remember it as clear as day. I was teased, mocked and had a special education teacher that, I swore, was the devil's wife in disguise. I was depressed and I always came home unsure as to what to do. What did my mother say?
Well, she looked me right in the eye and said, "Sweetie? If they say anything to you, knock them upside the head with your FIST."
I'd argue how wrong that was and I'd get in serious trouble. Mom's reasoning?
"Yeah, you will. But it'll teach those kids to leave you alone!"
Funny enough, thats exactly what happened. I was starting to recover from everything and these bratty twins decided to continue their games. I don't even remember what it was they said or what for. I snapped. The good in me held me back but it was enough that I grabbed one of them by the collar and threw them to the ground after giving a bit of a 'Leave me the hell alone' type of speech.
A teacher witnessed what happened but it didn't go as I expected. I didn't get suspended. They got detention and no recess for the last two days of school and I was let off the hook... Guess the teacher knew what happened. Mind you, school was very different from the way things are now.
Story aside, there's just something about defending what you believe in and forgiving the people that wronged you... or even forgiving yourself if it turns out what you were fighting for was false. It doesn't matter if it happens to you in real lie or if it happens on the internet.
You WILL find the false friends. You'll find the ones that will manipulate you even when you give them the benefit of the doubt. They will use your friendship and give you things and ideas you think are your own. It'll suck when you realize it but then when you do, you find it'll be very easy to correct that mistake.
I'll be the first one to admit that I don't trust very easily. I never did. Even back in school, I had people who were cruel and I built up a wall... even to the people who were my real friends. I couldn't tell between the a lie or the truth. I couldn't tell who was a real friend or who was faking it. I just couldn't tell. I was pretty naive.
It took ages for that wall to come down enough to start trusting people.
And, of course, I trusted the wrong people. Someone stole my money once and never gave it back. I've met far too many on the internet who posed to be friends only to leave you if your popularity changes. Some may even try to buy your friendship.
I've met pretty much all of those. In real life AND on the internet.
Sometimes, I just want to refortify the wall. After discovering the latest ex was as much scum as the rest and most of the friends I thought I had weren't really friends to begin with, I wanted to yell 'Fuck. EVERYONE.' and let it go at that. I really wanted to just earn forgiveness from the people I blew off because I thought they were the false friends and it turned out, hey, they weren't.
Then... it kind of hits you. Or, at least, it hit me.
Some people can't forgive. It isn't important to earn it when you haven't forgiven the most important person: Yourself. You can't do shit if you haven't forgiven yourself for your mistakes.
And even when you understand what you did wrong, you shouldn't have to explain it to everyone else. You just need to sit there and go, 'Yeah. I made a mistake. Some things I can fix and some I can't but its time to forgive myself, and move on.'
More importantly? Its better to forgive the people who hurt you and let it go. Well, I'm nowhere near in forgiving my ex and his new 'girlfriend' and that might take a long time before I can ever go near that. There's also my sister who has done horrific things to me AND my family that I could never forgive her for what she did. I can still find forgiveness in everyone else who hurt me or tried to hurt me and just... let go.
Forgive, and Live.
Even forgive the people who haven't had the power to forgive ME yet.
I'm not a hateful person. I can't hate unless someone's done something so terrible that it warrants that hatred. I just have to forgive once I can find it to do so. That, and try to learn from it and continue forward. Its better and you feel a lot more free in doing so.
The reason its so important and I urge it even now is, sometimes, you might not get that chance to forgive someone.
When my sister was married to my brother in law, Adam, he abandoned me at an anime convention to smoke speed balls with his buddies. In New York City. I was a minor and a teenager who knew nothing about the city. I also didn't have a cell phone at the time. Thanks to generous anime fans and the hotel, I got in contact with family and they brought me home.
I HATED Adam with every fiber of my being for doing that to me. I hated him so much. I trusted him as family! How could he do that to me!?
It took a long time, even as we took my sister's son in and began raising him as our own, to forgive him. It took a few years. I decided, the day that he would visit Aaron for the first time at our house, that I could forgive him. I felt it was better that way. I couldn't carry that grudge. I was ready to forgive him.
... the day I decided to do that? It was the same day he died from a drug overdose.
I never got to really tell him that.
You'll regret it if you never get that chance.
So, this is the low down. You'll make mistakes and you'll make the wrong friends. Its alright to forgive yourself about it and move on. If you angered others and try to get them to forgive you(and it isn't working), then stop trying. They will when they are ready. Until they do, focus on yourself. Learn what you did wrong.
And furthermore? Grow a back bone and fight back if people push ya around, too.
That is my new year's resolution. Forgive myself, cut the strings of regrets and move on. Live for the future and stop worrying about what other people think. It'll grow a few less gray hairs!
