Happy New Year! Resolution: Forgiveness

You know, its funny about mistakes and learning to forgive your mistakes... as well as learning to forgive yourself.

I was raised by my mother after my father passed away when I was over five years old. My father, while he was around, had that aura of giving people a chance. Give the benefit of doubt and at least try to be friendly. He had this aura of bringing people together and happiness even when things were tough. He was a good man.

My mother had to struggle, claw and fight her way to earn her keep. She was ready to tear down a few men and woman if they crossed her the wrong way and was ready to fight if she truly believed in something. I was a meek little girl, afraid to fight and afraid to cause trouble since the fighting always scared me.  I mean, I witnessed my sister's marriage go down the tube and get in the middle of a sibling squabble between her two daughters. It wasn't pretty.

Seriously. I remember it as clear as day. I was teased, mocked and had a special education teacher that, I swore, was the devil's wife in disguise. I was depressed and I always came home unsure as to what to do. What did my mother say?

Well, she looked me right in the eye and said, "Sweetie? If they say anything to you, knock them upside the head with your FIST."

I'd argue how wrong that was and I'd get in serious trouble. Mom's reasoning?

"Yeah, you will. But it'll teach those kids to leave you alone!"

Funny enough, thats exactly what happened. I was starting to recover from everything and these bratty twins decided to continue their games. I don't even remember what it was they said or what for. I snapped. The good in me held me back but it was enough that I grabbed one of them by the collar and threw them to the ground after giving a bit of a 'Leave me the hell alone' type of speech.

A teacher witnessed what happened but it didn't go as I expected. I didn't get suspended. They got detention and no recess for the last two days of school and I was let off the hook... Guess the teacher knew what happened. Mind you, school was very different from the way things are now.

Story aside, there's just something about defending what you believe in and forgiving the people that wronged you... or even forgiving yourself if it turns out what you were fighting for was false. It doesn't matter if it happens to you in real lie or if it happens on the internet.

You WILL find the false friends. You'll find the ones that will manipulate you even when you give them the benefit of the doubt. They will use your friendship and give you things and ideas you think are your own. It'll suck when you realize it but then when you do, you find it'll be very easy to correct that mistake.

I'll be the first one to admit that I don't trust very easily. I never did. Even back in school, I had people who were cruel and I built up a wall... even to the people who were my real friends. I couldn't tell between the a lie or the truth. I couldn't tell who was a real friend or who was faking it. I just couldn't tell. I was pretty naive.

It took ages for that wall to come down enough to start trusting people.

And, of course, I trusted the wrong people. Someone stole my money once and never gave it back. I've met far too many on the internet who posed to be friends only to leave you if your popularity changes. Some may even try to buy your friendship.

I've met pretty much all of those. In real life AND on the internet.

Sometimes, I just want to refortify the wall. After discovering the latest ex was as much scum as the rest and most of the friends I thought I had weren't really friends to begin with, I wanted to yell 'Fuck. EVERYONE.' and let it go at that. I really wanted to just earn forgiveness from the people I blew off because I thought they were the false friends and it turned out, hey, they weren't.

Then... it kind of hits you. Or, at least, it hit me.

Some people can't forgive. It isn't important to earn it when you haven't forgiven the most important person: Yourself. You can't do shit if you haven't forgiven yourself for your mistakes.

And even when you understand what you did wrong, you shouldn't have to explain it to everyone else. You just need to sit there and go, 'Yeah. I made a mistake. Some things I can fix and some I can't but its time to forgive myself, and move on.'

More importantly? Its better to forgive the people who hurt you and let it go. Well, I'm nowhere near in forgiving my ex and his new 'girlfriend' and that might take a long time before I can ever go near that. There's also my sister who has done horrific things to me AND my family that I could never forgive her for what she did. I can still find forgiveness in everyone else who hurt me or tried to hurt me and just... let go.

Forgive, and Live.

Even forgive the people who haven't had the power to forgive ME yet.

I'm not a hateful person. I can't hate unless someone's done something so terrible that it warrants that hatred. I just have to forgive once I can find it to do so. That, and try to learn from it and continue forward. Its better and you feel a lot more free in doing so.

The reason its so important and I urge it even now is, sometimes, you might not get that chance to forgive someone.

When my sister was married to my brother in law, Adam, he abandoned me at an anime convention to smoke speed balls with his buddies. In New York City. I was a minor and a teenager who knew nothing about the city. I also didn't have a cell phone at the time. Thanks to generous anime fans and the hotel, I got in contact with family and they brought me home.

I HATED Adam with every fiber of my being for doing that to me. I hated him so much. I trusted him as family! How could he do that to me!?

It took a long time, even as we took my sister's son in and began raising him as our own, to forgive him. It took a few years. I decided,  the day that he would visit Aaron for the first time at our house, that I could forgive him. I felt it was better that way. I couldn't carry that grudge. I was ready to forgive him.

... the day I decided to do that? It was the same day he died from a drug overdose.

I never got to really tell him that.

You'll regret it if you never get that chance.

So, this is the low down. You'll make mistakes and you'll make the wrong friends. Its alright to forgive yourself about it and move on. If you angered others and try to get them to forgive you(and it isn't working), then stop trying. They will when they are ready. Until they do, focus on yourself. Learn what you did wrong.

And furthermore? Grow a back bone and fight back if people push ya around, too.

That is my new year's resolution. Forgive myself, cut the strings of regrets and move on. Live for the future and stop worrying about what other people think. It'll grow a few less gray hairs!

Have a Happy and Safe New Year!


-Girl With a Lot to Say

Loss of a Good Friend

Normally I'm into writing about politics or something that is on my mind.

Today, this is a personal one.

My family and I adopted an elderly dog named Jasmine. She was cutest pug ever and made all of us smile. Even when she had seizures soon after, we stuck by her and made sure she got the care she needed. She'd bark angrily if my door was closed and she wanted to come inside and definitely had plenty to say when we ate our food and she wanted a piece too.

My little ten year old nephew loved her so much, checking on her every time and giving her little treats. When we came home, she greeted us with a tail wagging so hard that her little butt shook. She'd sleep with me at night and wake me up with kisses, letting me know she had to go out.

It came pretty suddenly. She was just... off. We called the vet and got an emergency. We got her there as fast as she could. The moment I held her, though, she felt safe and rested her head up against me... and just like that. She was gone. Right in my arms.

In a way, this brings me comfort that she was able to go quickly and peacefully in my arms, feeling safe. It isn't easy though. The entire family is taking it very hard. She gave us nearly three years of joy.

So hopefully she's getting the best treats and barking at the angels in heaven. I'll miss her but I'm glad to know I'll see her again when its my time to go.

I love you, Jasmine. You were a great pet and, more importantly, a good friend. I'll miss you.